“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”  George Carlin

Without a doubt, the subject that I got the most positive feedback on from the”Love Me Tender” series was when I talked about the differences between men and women.  I want to try to wrap up that thought and put a bow around it in this blog.

Perhaps you have heard that men are egotistical and women are emotional.  I know why people say that but it’s sexist because it implies that character weaknesses are based on gender and that’s just not the case.   It’s also just plain wrong to imply that men don’t emote.  I can pout and get depressed with the best of ‘em.

Patricia Love & Steven Stosny, in their book “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It”, said, “The breakdown of male female relationship occurs because men shut out women’s anxiety to protect themselves from shame and women tend to form other social alliances to protect themselves from isolation. “  They go on to say, “As a woman, if you are already feeling fear,  you can bet he is already feeling shame. As a man, if you are already feeling shame, you can bet she is already feeling fear.  This is true even if neither of you has spoken yet! If you can feel the feeling in yourself, something has occurred that is making each of you experience your biggest triggers; fear for her and shame for him.”

I might dismiss this as just more relationship psycho-babble that plays on the OWN network but it is confirmed by the book that I always ultimately go to for wisdom; you know the one that wasn’t written without a publication deadline and didn’t make the authors a dime.  In regard to male/female dynamics, God spoke through the pen of Simon Peter when he wrote,  “ Wives, do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do, and husbands must give honor to your wives … with understanding as you live together “… 1 Peter 3:4-7 (NLT) (emphasis added)

Keep in mind that anytime God gives us a directive it is because it is the opposite of what we naturally do. Scripture refers to this as our “natural man.”  Please indulge me here by not over analyzing text at this time and simply observe with me that Simon Peter is touching on the same two sensitivities that Patricia Love & Steven Stosny discovered in hundreds of hours of counseling troubled relationship.

A man’s disdain for feeling small and a woman’s fear of being isolated and unprotected is as old as the human race and has little to do with egos and emotionalism.   Men have always been called on to fight the wars, build the houses and create the products that preserve life. Women have generally been the ones to hear danger and sound the alarm first.  Women are also  usually the first to point out what is needed for life to be more beautiful, convenient or safe.  It was Jesus’ mom who put her son in charge of saving a wedding from disaster. That’s what ladies do so naturally…see failure before it strikes and dispatch the man to save the day.  My wife, Cheri, can successfully run a K-12 school, pull off complicated real estate deals and organize a three week Chinese Student camp all at the same time, but if there’s a noise downstairs in the middle of the night, she hears it, but expects me to go check it out.  If the car is making a funny noise she wants me to listen compassionately to her re-recreation, , take the threat to transportation seriously and get it diagnosed before something bad happens.  If the pool is leaking it’s my job to find out why and get it stopped.  She really couldn’t care less that I am totally over my head in all three of those scenarios.

I wish I could say, I don’t run for my cave when she wants to talk about these problems. I think I’m probably getting about a C minus, but that’s better than the big fat F, I would give myself for the past.  I haven’t understood that anxiety is just as much an invitation to engage as a wink.  Of course I prefer a wink, but life is mostly about broken things that need repair and threatening things that need to be met by a man of courage.  I’m not saying women aren’t dragon slayers too. I’m just saying that that centuries of experience, personal observation and the bible confirm a pattern here.

So how can we make our relationships work and how can we please the Lord.  Well, men and women don’t need to try and change their basic wiring;  we just simply need to do what we do with less fear, less panic, less anger, less hysteria, less insulting and more honor, cheerfulness, love and trust.   Simon Peter says to women, “do what is right without fearing what your husband will do.”   And to men, “Husbands, give honor with understanding.”  There’s tons of great material out there teaching us exactly how each gender can dance the dance of romance in the face of life’s problems, but in a nutshell we need to give our mate the gift of presence, respect and calm.  The scripture assigns personal responsibility to each gender.

Patricia Love said “Guys, if you focus on her fear rather that your urge to withdraw, you will lower your discomfort and increase the likelihood of connection;  it’s a puddle, not an ocean. Women, the men in your life will definitely be more loving, compassionate, and nurturing if you can understand and accept their vulnerability to shame and reduce the ways you trigger it.”