Matthew 2:16 When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi. Then what was said through the prophet Jeremiah was fulfilled:

When I think of this season, I want to ponder Christmas gifts and the offerings the Magi brought to the baby Jesus, lowly shepherds amazed by an angel choir, or the serene pastoral picture of the Christ Child sleeping in a stable.  However there’s another side to Christmas that dramatically underscores why we need a savior in the first place. The human soul has a wicked dysfunction that makes us capable of homicidal rages and the need to eliminate imagined opposition.  There’s something wrong with you and I that causes us to always hyper-actively try and stay ahead of danger.  Our brains are like bad church committees, filled with the barely informed but incredibly creative at coming up with all the ways we would die if we change. So it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas in ways that we do not prefer.

Was Herod a bad guy? Sure. Measures of badness are often gauged by just how low we’re willing to go in responding to threats. Thankfully, we’re not as bad as Herod but we still have the same root issue; we are scared of being displaced, dethroned, denied, and dismissed. Unguarded emotions will lead us all to some form of homicide, even if it’s just killing perfectly good relationships.

My concerns about the current state of incivility caused me to call my friend, psychologist Steve Light of Steve Light Counseling in Franklin, Ma.  In so many words, Steve explained to me that chronic anxiety is caused by the belief that there’s a “tiger in the room.”  Right now in America, the metaphorical “tigers in the room” are, among other things, President Elect Trump, conservatives, progressives, global threats, and political ideologies.  Like the ancient Herod a whole lot of us are sure that if we don’t bend others to our will we are in grave danger. Even if our fears are accurate, which they’re probably not, aggression and retaliation are sure to be self fulfilling prophecies.  Note to self: Herod eventually destroyed himself, his fear never materialized.

So is there a way to recover a more idyllic Christmas?  So glad you asked and here’s my best 3 step answer.

• STOP TRYING TO BEND OTHERS TO YOUR WILL

The very best thing Herod could have done when he felt slighted by the Magi is the very hardest things for humans to do and that was, nothing!  Herod would have been wise to “let them go.”  The “tiger in the room” was a figment of his imagination. All “fighting fire with fire” does is build a bigger fire. With all due respect to Pres. Elect Trump, I think he should do less counterpunching, but hold your criticism if you’re just trying to dominate the dominant. Scripture says, “If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” (Gal. 5:15)  Edwin Friedman said, “A major criterion for judging the anxiety level of any society is the loss of its capacity to be playful.”

• START CULTIVATING THE FINE ART OF STAYING SEPARATE WHILE CONNECTED.

Steve has really helped me to better understand a concept that Dr. Murray Bowen referred to as “self differentiation,” which is what the sentence I just used defines.  To me, self differentiation is when I can remain true to my conviction yet remain calm while you feel and behave independently.  This doesn’t mean I can’t tell you I disagree with you; in fact, two healthy people can have a great friendship with tremendous diversity of opinion. I think that’s what is missing in America right now. Rosaria Butterfield said, “We need to reinvigorate a form of civil disagreement.” An ethics professor from the University of Texas recently threatened to quit because he feels his students can no longer bear to listen to a dissenting opinion. When the Magi practiced some basic self-differentiation, Herod went berserk and took irrational measures. It seems that most people think there’s only two options in relationships. One way is, I always get to beat you.  The other way is, you always get to beat me. But what about a third way and that is, you get to BE you, while I still get to BE me.  May we reflect and learn.

• AVOID THE TRAP OF IMPOSING A QUICK FIX ON THE CHALLENGES BEFORE US AND BETWEEN US.

The title alone of Dr. Edwin Friedman’s book, “A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix,” is instructive. Because in Friedman’s words we have a “low threshold for pain that constantly seeks relief,” we want the uncertainty to be over now!  What if Herod had just taken his time, had lengthy fireside chats with his subjects, focused on being a good and kind person, fought a love war instead of a turf war; perhaps he and the young Jesus could have been great friends.  Nothing but good would have come from Herod taking the scenic route to feeling less threatened.

I am not suggesting we just need to get along.  Yes, there are some very important issues to resolve. What I’m saying is that love, joy, peace, and patience are better problem solving emotions than fear, rage, and overactive imaginations. However, I must not try bending you to my will and force you to have a Merry Christmas but neither do I have to let you ruin mine.  I have decided to willingly and without coercion bend my own will to the will of Jesus; and His will is “peace on earth.”  Peace comes before problem solving.