Acts 15:36-39  After some time Paul said to Barnabas, “Let’s go back and visit each city where we previously preached the word of the Lord, to see how the new believers are doing.”   Barnabas agreed and wanted to take along John Mark.   But Paul disagreed strongly, since John Mark had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in their work.   Their disagreement was so sharp that they separated. Barnabas took John Mark with him and sailed for Cyprus. 

Someone on a Q & A forum called Quora, answered this question of “why are relationships complicated,” with “That’s easy. We are all self-seeking, selfish egos in a bag of skin. Everyone wants the best for themselves and others, but everyone sees the world through a different light. At the end of the day. LOVE is selfless. It is sacrifice. Giving Your all.”

I think we can all agree that this is a partial answer, but it’s not the whole answer, it can’t be.  I have been involved in many relationships that got egg shelly and complicated when I am pretty sure we were both trying to unselfishly serve a cause outside of ourselves.  We can’t explain every relationship misunderstandings in conflict with a statement like “we are all self-seeking, selfish egos in a bag of skin.” Conflict doesn’t just come from fallen egos but from the challenge of agreement.  “Getting on the same page with other competent and strong minded people is no small challenge.

It is said of Barnabas and Paul, “their disagreement was so sharp, they separated.”  All four men in this dramatic snapshot in the lives of these great men wanted to take the good news of God’s grace to the world.  These men had just come from a conference of church leaders where they had agreed that the Church of Jesus Christ was intended by God to be multicultural and Biblically inclusive.  They weren’t leaving the counsel in Jerusalem to enrich themselves like some well groomed jet setting televangelists. They were all humble servants of Christ, but they just couldn’t agree on whether John Mark, who had abandoned them on a previous missionary journey should come along.  So they had a big stinking fight.

Now in the story of brother to brother conflict in Acts fifteen, everyone lived happily ever after.  The fact that the Paul and Barnabas dust up might have actually resulted in the furtherance of the Gospel, since there were two teams going out instead of one, might give the false impression that conflict and disharmony is no big deal.  

I’ve seen a lot of harm done and a lot of potential lost because good people couldn’t find common ground. Disagreement causes: children to be devastated by divorce and custody battles; churches that are about to rise up and make a major impact on a region to lose momentum; great and powerful friendships disintegrate; promising careers to be derailed; and such deep emotional pain that it can be very difficult to recover.  So, whatever you do, don’t be cavalier about conflict, it’s a big deal. 

Most of the time, the world’s a better place when people can get along. So let me list some ways that we can uncomplicate and harmonize our key relationships. 

• Stop being surprised that getting along with really good people is sometimes very hard.

One of the characteristics or our times is softness and hypersensitivity.  Softness and hypersensitivity are not the stuff of great robust relationships.  Surround yourself with the best people you can find and then fight for the survival and success of those relationships. 

• Value having the people you need to succeed over who makes you feel warm and cozy.   

2 Timothy 4:11 Only Luke is with me. Bring Mark with you when you come, for he will be helpful to me in my ministry.

I like the fact that Paul’s rejection of Mark coming along on a specific trip wasn’t a rejection of Mark, however Paul didn’t say, “oh man I love Mark, he’s a blast,” Paul said, “he will be helpful to me in the ministry.”  Most relationships could use a dose of pragmatism. We need to stop sacrificing success for comfort. By the way “helpful” also means people who help you with personal growth, as well.

• Start realizing the power that differences represent.

Someone has said “if a person always agrees with you, one of you is unnecessary.” Often a different point of view can save you from failure and even disaster.  I have been in a small group of three other veteran pastors for the past twelve years. I was recently asked what is the advantage of being together for so long.  Without even thinking I responded, “we can contend with each other.” Contending doesn’t mean contentious; it means strength.

• Organize your relationships both under and with healthy, non toxic leadership.

Exodus 18:21-22   But select from all the people some capable, honest men who fear God and hate bribes. Appoint them as leaders over groups of one thousand, one hundred, fifty, and ten.   They should always be available to solve the people’s common disputes, but have them bring the major cases to you.

Don’t let the cultural disdain for authority structures or the abuses of power by some of them cause you to make the mistake of not searching for wise and God honoring covering that will help you disentangle your complicated relationships.  We are created by God to operate under the covering of authority and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.